teaism | more hurt/comfort, neverending

more hurt/comfort, neverending

[Sometimes, it's just too difficult to sleep. The thoughts, the responsibilities, the nightmares that are likely to show up. Guren is tired of it all, and when staring at his ceiling just won't do the trick, he decides to take a walk.

It wasn't surprising to find himself walking to Bluo. There was no real intention to bother anyone at this hour. The stars were bright against an unnaturally dark sky, even if the water won't properly reflect them when it's this murky in the harbor. It's late, and even as he moves to pass by Dextera's house, look at their tulips, he doesn't expect to see him outside, as well.

He moves up quietly, though he doesn't make any attempt to hide his approaching footsteps. Near the water, looking at the sky, it seems that Dextera wasn't able to fall asleep, either.]

Can't sleep? [So, he speaks up, settling down to sit beside him without asking, and giving him a curious look. Maybe it's something he can help with.]

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[ dextera doesn't understand what he's looking at, even though guren guides him through it. the curve, three little points—a crown is his first thought, but that doesn't seem right. crowns aren't round at the bottom.

it's obvious when it dawns on him, because his expression is as open and easy to read as it always is. with his free hand, he hurriedly asks guren for confirmation. ]

Tulip?

Yeah, a tulip.

[ Gripping their laced fingers together, he pulls their hands back and into his lap, his other hand moving to cover Dextera’s there. Two hands holding his one, hoping enough is getting through. Think about now. About this. Forget about the rest right now.

It’s harder to say all of this aloud than it should be. ]

I don’t want to make any more. [ not if they’re going to be crosses. Why can’t the sky just be filled with happy things... Why can’t he do a damn thing about this. ]

Ah—

[ dextera is sure he did something wrong, and it doesn't seem like it was the poor flower's fault. the cross? he doesn't know. mentioning the archangel, even though that was honestly what was bothering him? there are a hundred missteps he might have made, actually, since he's never sure what he wants to say when it comes to his complicated relationship with the man who could have been his savior. ]

...

[ he nods, despite all that, because he thinks he understands what guren is trying to say. ]

Don’t... don’t think I’m mad or anything. I’m not.

[ He feels like he has to say something like this now, as he struggles to find words, and he frowns as his desires mix and make things all the more confusing. Ugh... Lack of sleep is making him lose it, maybe, but he wants to try more. ]

You have to understand. Hearing about someone who treats you like that... it pisses me off. You don’t deserve it, no matter what you did. I’ve dealt with the same kinds of assholes, but I’m not nice like you. Even if they have complete control, even if I have guilt, I still want to punch them in the face.

...

[ guren really does think he's nice, and dextera doesn't get that. he's a selfish, miserable fool, and any niceness he has is because he's terrified of people knowing that about him. but even so—guren says these things? he feels this way? ]

Sa...

[ dextera stops himself before he can defend the archangel again, his fingers pausing in the air. ]

He didn't save you.

[Guren mumbles it, but he knows that his opinion isn't going to matter. He's not going to take this away. He doesn't have the right. But as he stares at that paused hand in the air, and then looks to Dextera's eyes, he wishes even more that he at least had some way to help now.

His hand on top of their joined ones moves over to cup at Dextera's cheek, leaning close until their foreheads are touching, stilling by that but quietly speaking.]

What color are my eyes? [This is gay already]

...

[ dextera seems shy, with guren that close, but there’s a strange bravery in his chest when he meets guren’s eyes for a reason that isn’t just checking the color. he knows guren’s eyes well. he doesn’t need to look, but he wants to. ]

Purple. [ this is mouthed, his breath ghosting across guren’s lips. ] ...sunset.

[ like the archangel’s eyes are the color the apocalyptic sky, guren’s... ]

[Everything stills like this. He can hear his heart, Dextera's breathing, and his hand slips from his cheek to move further back, behind his ear, fingertips dipping into his hair. His eyes are still on Dextera's.]

Can you remember them, even when I'm not here?

[ of course, of course, of course.

how could dextera forget something so important? every memory he makes is precious, but the deep purple of guren’s eyes has become something like his favorite color, in all the time he’s spent here. ]

Yes.

[ spoken, in a way, and signed against guren’s chest as well for emphasis.

guren may never understand how much dextera treasures him. ]

Then every time you're haunted by that red, can you think of that purple, instead?

[Is that fair to ask? Can he do that much? They're already this close, but he wants to be closer, to pull him in and completely melt those thoughts away, leaving him only with good ones. But it's not so easy.]

...

[ what a request.

like he doesn’t already think of guren so much, every day, all the time—except now, he supposes, with the archangel’s weight on his shoulders pushing him to insomnia. dextera nods, and then he’s turning his head, just a little, recklessly taking advantage of this closeness.

a bad decision? yes, he knows it is. it’s just that the two of them are so close that dextera’s chest aches, and such comforting words make him feel too calm and too brave at the same time.

so he touches his lips to guren’s, so softly it could be an accident, but he very much means it. ]

[In an instant, every ounce of confidence he was exuding slips away. There's warmth, the touch of their lips, and his chest swells with feeling, wanting more of it. He presses closer, curls his fingers where they are, and halfway through a desperately longing response to that kiss, he forces himself to stop.

This happened out of nowhere. Is he experiencing this, really? Did he fall asleep and this is just some dream? But he can feel Dextera's breath against his skin, the warmth of his hand linked with his, and his heart is aching too much with desire. This is real.]

Please... [A little unsteady sounding, with him so uncertain of what to do next. With Dextera, it could mean anything, couldn't it? He can't deal with that.] Don't do that unless you really mean it.

[Does he really mean it...]

[ dextera means it. when he hears guren's uncertainty, asking please of him, it causes him to hesitate—like he's done the wrong thing—but it seems like all guren wants is the assurance that dextera isn't doing this for a lark.

he hadn't planned it, no, but it's no less sincere for being spontaneous. the moment was asking for it, and dextera isn't so strong as to deny himself his own feelings. guren has always been there for him, assuring him through every low point, and that would be enough for a friendship, but dextera wants even more than that. he wants to be as close to guren as he can be, in every imaginable way.

it's such a need that his scar aches, and he answers guren by kissing him again, more certain now. ]

[That's all the answer he needs. He'd been thinking of it himself, but too frozen to act on it, and so Dextera being the one to make that move, and being so certain to do it again... It was the reassurance he needed.

He kisses back, shifting completely so his whole body is turned to face Dextera's. It's just kissing... kissing that starts chaste and sweet but deepens with his desire to share his emotions, but he still is so into it that he might end up pressing Dextera back onto the ground, gradually.]

[ kissing by the water under a starry sky... it's very romantic, and dextera can't appreciate any of the clichés that hang over them right now. he's wrapped up in guren, in relieving all the tension that he never had a name for before, and he doesn't even mind—or notice—that he's being pushed back.

guren wouldn't hurt him. he's not the archangel. guren's eyes are that safe, lovely purple, that comfort dextera was asked to think of in times of crisis. ]

Hh...

[ eventually, though, he has to part for a breath, and the spell is somewhat broken after that. he tightens his fingers in their shared grip, and only now does it seem like he's nervous. ]

[Guren catches his breath, himself, eyes traveling over Dextera from where he leans over him. One hand is propping himself up, against the ground, and the other is still held tightly with Dextera's.

He's... way too eager to keep going. He can recognize that, force himself to slow, to stop, if necessary.]

Was I too much? [He got kind of into it.]

[ dextera is eager, too, but that eagerness also feels like a restless buzzing under his skin. he can't believe he did that, suddenly, and it's even more shocking that guren kissed back—that guren wanted it. ]

...

[ he shakes his head here on the ground, eyes wide, but now that they're apart enough that guren can see his face, he mouths one small, terrified word. ]

Okay?

It's okay. It's more than okay.

[He can't believe Dextera looks so scared. He's blaming the archangel for this, again, but he's aware it's probably his own fault. He didn't show this enough. He held back, for what he thought was for their sake. But now, he looks so worried...

Guren brings their joined hands up to his face, to his mouth, where he kisses the back of his fingers gently.]

I've wanted to do this for a long time. [He's never spoken so gently to anyone else before. Not to Mahiru, not to his precious friends. Some people came close, usually girls, but it was never like this. Dextera was someone he had to be gentle with, but would still accept his rough sides. It was just... a special bond.]

Now, I don't want to stop.

[ for a long time. dextera isn’t sure he believes that, even though it’s coming from guren’s mouth. he’s admitting it openly, softly, with such a sweet kiss that dextera feels like he could cry.

instead, he swallows back that emotion. he’s so happy, but he doesn’t want to shed any tears over it. it’s just that—he wanted this, too, without even really knowing it.

he never allows himself to dwell on this kind of thing. ]

...me too.

[Guren feels like he wants to cry, too. He's holding back, like he always does, but it's the feeling itself he can't shake. This overwhelming emotion.]

Then... why should we stop? We should just keep going.

[Things become so different when Dextera admits that he feels the same. Their separate worlds and separate fates don't matter. Just this closeness, here, under the stars. He leans closer, pressing his lips against Dextera's.]

Isn't that fine? To do whatever we want.

...

[ dextera closes his eyes. it is fine—it’s all fine, and even if it’s more difficult to deal with tomorrow when the night doesn’t feel endless, for now it really does seem like it’s okay.

“why should we stop?” he asks, like it’s so easy. maybe it is.

dextera pushes back, kissing guren with intention when their lips touch, the air around them heavy with promise. they’re out in the open and someone could easily discover them, but—

that could be fine, too. ]

[Being out in the open is only making his heart beat faster. It's fine, he doesn't care, and doesn't that say everything? That it's fine beneath the stars like this, just outside of Dextera's house, too much in the open.

It's like this has been waiting to come out for ages, and now it was overflowing between them. He almost doesn't know how to handle all of these emotions, all of this desire. He just kisses, open-mouthed and inviting, searching, desperate to feel Dextera as close as he can.

Eventually, his body lowers, and he doesn't want to rest on top of him or anything, but he's lowered enough that their bodies brush more than a few times.]

[ dextera doesn’t want to pry their hands apart, no matter how awkward the angle becomes, but eventually, he needs to sign against guren’s chest with his free hand.

it’s desperate, and he’s mouthing the sentiment too. ]

I love you.

[ and again, and again—he loves guren, and after he says it once, it seems to come out of him endlessly. ]

[ The breath he takes in is shaky, after that, and he takes a moment to process it. This is sincere. It’s so sincere it hurts, and though it surprises him, the block in his heart there to keep him from focusing on feelings like these is moving, slipping aside enough that he can respond. ]

I... [ He struggles with this. He feels like a child for it, but already he’s gotten more out than before. He’s worried that as soon as he says it, something horrible will happen. He doesn’t know why. ]

I love you, too. [ But he says it, whispered and emotional as it is, and he swallows hard to hold back his tears, still. He ducks down further to touch his forehead to the ground near Dextera’s face. Once is all he can manage. ]

[ that’s all right. once is more than enough, because guren tried, and even if he had said nothing, dextera could have probably gotten something out of it.

they love each other. a feeling he never thought he would know—it’s incredible. ]

...

[ he exhales, letting the fervor of their kissing subside, in the quiet of the night. there’s no sound from the water, but that too is fine, for now. he rubs the hand that was signing so hopefully stroke down guren’s back instead, and his heart pounds in his throat. ]

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