more hurt/comfort, neverending

[swordfucker]

[Sometimes, it's just too difficult to sleep. The thoughts, the responsibilities, the nightmares that are likely to show up. Guren is tired of it all, and when staring at his ceiling just won't do the trick, he decides to take a walk.

It wasn't surprising to find himself walking to Bluo. There was no real intention to bother anyone at this hour. The stars were bright against an unnaturally dark sky, even if the water won't properly reflect them when it's this murky in the harbor. It's late, and even as he moves to pass by Dextera's house, look at their tulips, he doesn't expect to see him outside, as well.

He moves up quietly, though he doesn't make any attempt to hide his approaching footsteps. Near the water, looking at the sky, it seems that Dextera wasn't able to fall asleep, either.]

Can't sleep? [So, he speaks up, settling down to sit beside him without asking, and giving him a curious look. Maybe it's something he can help with.]

Comments

[passio]

[ dextera didn't expect to see guren, either, and he wonders briefly—worried—if they had planned something for tonight that he completely forgot about. but even if he had, it doesn't seem like guren is mad about it. his voice is quiet, comforting in the way that guren naturally is to dextera, and so dextera shifts to make room for him. ]

...

[ he nods, resting his chin on his knees. dextera looks tired, but his body isn't working with him tonight. ]

[swordfucker]

Me, either.

[He leans back on his hands, allowing Dextera his tired look to himself by looking out at the water, now, instead. It would look really beautiful if everything had color, if the water were normal, but right now... at least the night sky has returned in this way.]

You don't mind the company, do you?

[passio]

[ dextera shakes his head quickly, and in needing to lift his head to do that, he decides to readjust himself entirely—now that guren has settled, even though he just moved away, he moves closer now as if they can exchange comfort just by proximity.

he slides one hand down his leg, a small gesture that suggests he's thinking about what he wants to do with his fingers, and then he answers with something simple. ]

Pretty.

[ the sky, of course. it's soothing, even if the water doesn't mirror it well. ]

[swordfucker]

Yeah, it is.

[Of course, there was more on Guren's mind that he couldn't sleep through. Sitting next to him like this might be counterproductive, but he craves the closeness. Even watching that shift of Dextera's hand makes him want to reach out and grab onto it, but that's too much, and so he forces himself to hold back.

But this silence, this stillness, it's all comfortable and warm, even in the night on the water. He leans, just enough to bump his shoulder into Dextera's, and looks up at the sky again.]

If there was a moon, it would be perfect. [But he can't see one and that's the saddest.]

[passio]

[ dextera leans against guren as soon as he’s afforded the opportunity and guren’s silent agreement, and he breathes out through his nose that could just as easily be a laugh as a sigh. ]

No moon. No stars. Red.

[ is that what’s keeping him awake tonight? perhaps—or part of it, anyway, one of the many visions that haunt him whenever he closes his eyes. ]

[swordfucker]

[Guren looks back to Dextera again at that, breathing slowly, quietly, as if he might interrupt a man who speaks without a voice. So that's what he's been thinking about?]

There's none of that red here.

[He hopes the reminder helps, his fingers inching subtly across the ground but not ending up anywhere yet.] Just me.

[He's red, he means... Though, he's here, too.] Can't get it out of your thoughts?

[passio]

[ dextera sighs softly, nodding against guren’s shoulder. it’s more than just the sky, though, it’s— ]

His eyes. Red.

[ and who else would “he” be in this context but the archangel? red eyes, the same color as the sky, and hair so pale it’s nearly white. on him, the false wings look real. ]

[swordfucker]

[Damn that guy... Guren knows exactly who he means, and that's enough reason to ignore subtlety and just reach out, covering Dextera's hand on his lap with his own.]

Even when he's not here he's a pain in the ass.

[passio]

...

[ dextera lets guren take his hand, since he’s honestly grateful for the intervention. it doesn’t make him stop thinking about the archangel, but it’s a distraction.

he hears the archangel’s voice more than his own, sometimes. ]

He’s not.

[ a defense?! ]

[swordfucker]

[That's like a slap in the face, and it shows more than he wants. But he's not sure, he's thinking on it, desperate to correct it.]

He's not... what? [Here?? He's not here?? Because he's definitely a pain in the ass. Especially if he's keeping Dextera from sleep.

Guren squeezes at Dextera's hand lightly.]

Look... Just look at the stars, right now. We can make more constellations, if that's what you want.

[passio]

[ dextera doesn’t know why he said that, but even now—even like this, he feels like he needs to defend the archangel’s dignity. like it’ll come back to help or hurt him, depending on what he says.

he’s just tired. ]

...

[ he nods, slowly. does he want to make constellations? he’s not sure about that, but he does want to be with guren right now. in an apology, sort of, he laces their fingers together. ]

[swordfucker]

[Hmm... It feels like he can tell when a nod is a true yes or just a hesitant one, with Dextera, now. Their fingers curl together and he knows that Dextera not answering means that he's trying to defend the archangel. That if Guren tried to talk about how he wants to punch the guy, it wouldn't help at all. That drawing shapes in the stars probably won't help, either.

So what can he do? A whole lot of nothing. Still, he brings his free hand to point at the stars, leaning as close as he can to guide out the shape.]

Can you still see the ones we made before? There. And... there.

[passio]

[ the cherry blossom... and the sun, which could also just as easily be a moon in the absence of a proper one. it was just a circle to begin with, after all, and the memory of that conversation does get a wistful smile to tug at his lips. ]

...

[ dextera gestures with his nose to a vague area in the sky, and then he shifts so he, too, can try to point something out above them. he does this with their connected hands, however, and he forces guren to follow along with him.

a cross? the same one on his coat, because, unfortunately, that is where his mind is. he’s not even trying to be sad—that’s just what he sees. ]

hot fresh yaoi

[passio]

[ guren, dextera thinks, is good at hiding it when he’s awake and hurting—it’s not impossible for dextera to read him, but it’s hard to tell what’s a big deal and what isn’t when guren reacts the same to a failing organ as a minor cut.

everyone is vulnerable in sleep, however, in some way or another. dextera has heard him mumble before, snatches of conversations not meant for him slipping out after stretches of guren pushing himself too hard, but this is different.

he wakes up when he hears something that sounds like pain, and he lets himself watch for a little while longer before he thinks he should intervene—if he gets hurt in the process of interrupting a nightmare, so be it, but he doesn’t want to let this go on. he sits up, placing his hand on guren’s arm, nudging him without a voice to coax him back to consciousness more kindly. ]

[swordfucker]

[It's been a long time since he's had a nightmare this bad. It may be the lack of the drug he's become dependent on that's causing this surge in his demon's ability to get to him. Illusions and dreams like this, normally, can be shrugged off. He can endure.

But right now, it's too much. He can feel his fists beating against Shinya's chest, begging him to come back, but it's not just Shinya. The body changes, as do the ones in all of the coffins around him. New friends. And Dextera, lifeless, refusing to wake up, unable to breathe.

The vampire that looks so amused by it all is always the same, though, and while tears run down his cheeks, he's grabbed, and he knocks back against it harshly.]

Let go of me!

[It's so loud, it's a miracle he doesn't wake anyone else in the house. It was Dextera's arm that he'd smacked back with too much force, and now that he's pushed himself up and scrambled back a bit, he can blink through teary eyes to see that he's in Dextera's bedroom, nowhere else. Not surrounded by coffins or dead friends.

He's breathing heavy, and he can't get his face to go back to normal. He looks terrified.]

Dex— [That movement with his arm wasn't enough to break bones or anything, but it was still so rough, and he's trying to address it now, but clearly struggling. He's only just realized there are tears left on his cheeks, and he brings that defensive arm up to wipe them away, looking down.]

I didn't mean you. I'm sorry.

[passio]

[ dextera can’t help it—he doesn’t want to, but he flinches away when guren lashes out at him. he wasn’t hurt, and it’s not even that he’s scared, but his body knows when it’s in danger and tries to react appropriately.

but guren was crying, and even in the dim light of the room, dextera can see that fear, that pain, that anguish taking him over in a way that dextera has no idea how to address. he’s trembling, just a little, his empathy in this moment maybe a bit too strong, and he reaches out with kind, shaking fingers.

he’s fine. it didn’t hurt.

more importantly, even if it had hurt, guren is hurting so much worse, and dextera has never seen him like this. if it’s something he can’t even try to hide— ]

...

[swordfucker]

[He doesn't want to look back at him, right now. He made him flinch, and even as those kind fingers reach for him and he lets himself reach to take them back, the rest of his body only hunches further.]

I'm okay. It was just a nightmare.

[But his voice is strained, he's still breathing hard, and it still hurts like he's in the moment. How powerful... He really thought he was there. He couldn't see past it at all. The hand not holding onto Dextera's makes a fist against his forehead, and he tries to chase it away. It was just a nightmare, so why is he still feeling this panic?]

I thought you— [An attempt at an explanation, for Dextera's sake, is more difficult than he thought. The words catch audibly in his throat, and he struggles to find the rest of his sentence.] I couldn't protect you.

[That's the best he can get out right now.]

[passio]

[ it makes sense, even if guren can’t make himself finish the thought. dextera feels strangely guilty, like it’s his fault for dying in guren’s dream, but he can’t let himself think like that. it truly isn’t his fault, this time. he was here, and he can be here still. ]

...

[ dextera squeezes guren’s fingers, scooting himself closer to cover the distance that was put between them, and he lifts their joined hands to his mouth to gently press his lips to guren’s knuckles.

undeniable contact can only help, right? dextera is warm and alive, and the nightmare should be over now. ]

[swordfucker]

[...It does help. The kiss brings him a warmth that he was longing to come back in that nightmare, and he lifts his chin again to watch Dextera. It's still difficult to shake the image of him dead, lying before him in a coffin, not breathing no matter how Guren tried to bring him back. But with touch like this... he can force the sight away.

His free hand moves, resting fondly at Dextera's other cheek, brushing his fingers there, and moving them back to his neck. His breathing is steadying. He's glad he was here, at Dextera's side, so he could be soothed so immediately. If he were in his own house, he might have had to walk all the way here and wake Dextera up without explanation.

But his hand is traveling down Dextera's neck, to the front of his chest, stopping at where his heart is.]

Don't go anywhere.

[passio]

[ they promise this so often that it should be a given, that they’ll never be apart, that they’ll always find a way back to each other—but the reality is that if dextera ever goes back, he’s going to die. he will die, countless times, and there’s nothing either of them can do to stop that. ]

...

[ but he nods, closing his eyes, leaning close enough to rest their foreheads together as if he can force guren to match his breathing by proximity alone.

calm down, he says without words. for as long as he can help that, he won’t go anywhere. ]

[swordfucker]

[Guren isn't an idiot. He knows the type of person Dextera is, the things he puts up with, both here and at home. He knows that Dextera will nod every time they promise this, but that something could kill him here at any time. That he'd let it happen, because he'd be too meek to raise a hand unless it's something straightforward like a battle.

Guren is going back and forth on feeling better or worse, but at least Dextera moving closer helps. He shifts their joined hands to actually intertwine their fingers.]

I'm fine. [He has his own lies that he insists on every time, so it should be fine. But he's worried, and he wants to know Dextera is close. Curling his fingers loosely against his chest, Guren tilts his head so that he can lean in closer, pressing his lips to Dextera's in a quiet ghost of a kiss.

It's faint, it's barely there, but it's what he wants.]

[passio]

[ it’s not fair, that guren should ever hurt—that he should have to take solace in someone like dextera, who is the source of so many problems for everyone around him. it’s not that hates himself. it just feels like a fact, something that runs deeper than the way he regards his own presence.

he’s a burden. and yet, guren wants him, is kissing him now, and dextera doesn’t think so lowly of guren that he would take any of this as a desperation for any company. ]

...mm.

[ a soft breath, a softer voice, and he tilts his head forward to return that kiss. he’s not the one who had the nightmare, but he selfishly wants this too. ]

[swordfucker]

[This is the most alive they can be, together, and so Guren wants it more than anything. It was slow growing desire, still increasing, but he really does think this will help. Even that soft voice distracts him and draws him in, and he sighs against Dextera's lips.

More of this instead of anything else. Just this warmth, his presence, his sounds, and the rising pleasure, and afterwards, they can enjoy the silence of everything except their own breathing. That's what he's thinking, and his intention is clear when he kisses again, deeper, tongue slipping into his mouth as his own hum slips out.

He can feel every move, every breath, hear his fidgets, his shifts closer.]

[passio]

[ dextera doesn't mind kissing—no, not even that. he likes it, but he's still worried about guren, and guren is so reluctant to ever speak too much about himself. it's not that dextera wants him to relive that nightmare when it could be over and forgotten, but there has to be something more he can do. ]

...OK?

[ the night is so quiet that he can hear his fingers rustling the fabric of guren's clothes as he signs against them. it's a simple question, but he thinks any answer will tell him what he needs to know. ]

[swordfucker]

[Well, that makes Guren pause, his fingers brushing fondly across Dextera's neck as he considers that.]

...

[He decides that he doesn't know how to answer that, but his silence is probably a good enough answer. He knows that, too. He's not really okay, but what is there to do? The only thing he can think of is to get closer, to remember that Dextera is here, right now, and that he shouldn't think too far ahead.]